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Nothing. Not one damn thing
Thursday, day after surgery. ICU. Horrible place. A machine breathes for him (BiPap), tubes drain his chest, and innumerable IVs, drugs, and monitors show his heart rate, blood pressure, and more. Constant beeping. Sometimes irregular. Not awake. Unaware. Out of it. Nurses in and out spending more time on the computer than interacting with him.… Read more
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Loneliness
I have been having a hard time lately. My sense of loss has not diminished and my loneliness is monumental. In the days and weeks ahead I have a lot of decisions to make regarding my health and my future. I DO NOT feel comfortable nor confident making them alone. It seems un-natural. We talked… Read more
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Press On
VATS surgery day. I had convinced myself that this surgery was all that was needed for Wiley’s recovery to begin. After it, he was going to get better. He had to. My dear friend Sandra came to spend the dreaded hours of waiting with me. We did not move from the ICU waiting room unless… Read more
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If necessary, SHOUT!
So with the week ending, someone (?) decided to transition Wiley out of PCU and onto a regular floor. A head scratcher for me. Was he improving? At least he was going to get some nutrition and perhaps some kind of physical therapy…right? I was told that he would need to have VATS surgery, but… Read more
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Four Loves
Everyone who knew Wiley knew about the loves of his life: Me, Really good food, Good cigars, and Mediocre wine. He was least picky about the wine. When we first started dating, I didn’t drink much and had an untrained palette. He drank white Zinfandel. Later he switched to Merlot. Long before I met him… Read more
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Puppies and Monkeys
Weekends suck especially when you are stuck in the hospital. It becomes a ghost town. Parking lot is empty. Front lobby and halls are empty. No procedures done…unless of course emergency ones. Waiting is the norm. While waiting, Wiley went in and out of a sleeping state. Cogent conversation did not occur because he was… Read more
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Today I Choose….
To ignore grief To live healthier To look ahead To celebrate what was, what is, and what will be To see beyond differences To cherish my immediate and extended family To be grateful To put aside petty grievances To take joy from little successes To be bold, brave and kind. To be bold, brave and… Read more
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Waiting
Tomorrow comes. No need for an alarm clock, because Brisket thinks it is his duty to wake me at 7. Don’t know how he does it. Must be a dog thing. Izzy has always slept on the bed and her little warm body gives me some comfort. Get up. Walk the dogs. Feed the dogs.… Read more
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A Plan
Tomorrow came. I needed a map to find his room in PCU (Progressive Care Unit.) I was so optimistic. He had to be “Better” didn’t he? What was this place? Where was his nurse? He’s asleep. He doesn’t do that. Why is he here? Again there was a frenetic movement in this place like the… Read more
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I don’t know…
May 29, 2018, began like any other day. I got up, walked the dogs and came in to read the paper. W struggled to get into the den to sit at his desk. He complained that his side hurt. My logical side suggested that he probably broke a rib because he had been coughing a… Read more
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90 Lbs of Chocolate Love
I have lived very few years without a dog in my life. As an adult, it all began with a hand me down dog from my brother…a bat shit crazy cockerpoo. That dog didn’t last long after he took a chunk out of our neighbor’s leg and then threatened the pastor that had just baptized… Read more
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Changing Habits
It was “our” day. Once we opened the restaurant Sunday was the only day we closed…so we could do anything we wanted. Our conversations usually began with W saying, “What do you want to do today?” My response was always, “Whatever you want!” I was never much help. But being foodies, we always began with… Read more
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The (very) Important Book
I’ll get it out of the way right now. I am an organized person. A bit on the obsessive/compulsive side. Always have been. About five years ago, I started wondering what would W do if something happened to me and I was unable to let him know where all the important stuff is located. Then… Read more
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Fa la la la blah
My Christmas decorating is complete! Yeah! I even have the 4 foot lighted tree-in-a-box in the attic. It’s a no go for me. The wreath is it. I guess it is a metaphor for how I am feeing these days. This will be my second Christmas without W. The outer pain/agony has been replaced with… Read more
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The Missing Handbook 